Don't leave a voicemail, seriously.

I know you're a dirty illegal downloader: ( Caprica )

Level of success importing my lj to Dreamwidth = 0 Raise your hand if this surprises you. *crickets chirp* Yeah, well, I tried to get it to work, and I even FOLLOWED WRITTEN DIRECTIONS, something I don't think I've managed to in, at least, years.

Because the Christians were courteous enough to put their big Spring festival of death (that seems kind of backwards, no?) on the weekend, we had a huge family Event on Saturday. This, being my family, mostly involved drinking heavily and disasters occurring. The main disaster this weekend was that my grandfather's dog had a spinal embolism (a stroke in his spine) on Saturday morning leading to all kinds of super ridiculous nonsense, such as him just not appearing at dinner and all of us going "I'm not going to the house to see if he's dead! Not it!" We're a class act around here, folks!

Because he's a cantankerous geezer of the highest order, he threw the cell phone my uncle bought him in the trash can upon opening it, so we had no idea where he was until he deigned to call us (we're only his family /jew). No, seriously. You know those old men in sitcoms who kvetch about paying an extra dime for coffee or who make dismissive gestures behind people's backs? You're getting the picture.

[INTERLUDE WHERE I EMAIL JENN WITH NOTES ON THE NEXT PART OF MISHA COLLINS PWNS YOU.]

So we dispatch one of the people who hadn't been drinking--

and this is a funny part of any family get-togethers we have: one segment of my family is viciously against smoking, drinking, doing drugs, kittens, world peace, and sex. These people have not disowned the rest of us for unknown reasons. So whenever we have forced family togetherness, they just bitch about how the rest of us are hedonistic cannibal baby killers. This makes for dialogue like this--


Relative: Where's [my aunt]?
Me: [putting up leftovers and other domestic tasks which have suddenly become my job and I would like to trade that status back in and go back to the kids' table now if that's possible] Outside smoking.
Relative: No, I said where's [my aunt]?
Me: Yeah, I didn't have a stroke, that was the dog, I know what you said.
Relative: Wait, you mean she started smoking again?
Me: Look, she's old enough to make her own decisions, get off my back, I'm chewing nicotine gum, alright?
Relative 2: That stuff will give you mouth cancer.
Me: [makes a cocktail and violently shovels rice into tupperwear while considering spitting the gum in Relative 2's hair]

and my grandfather calls shortly thereafter from the emergency vet's office to explain about the dog, but not why he didn't call all day. He also did not want one of us to come up there. Why would he want that, we're only his family. /jew

So we had relatives from far and wide up in this bitch, and let me tell you, there's almost nothing better than old ladies getting drunk and telling awful stories about how they hate their children, but the zany war stories almost beat that. I've mentioned before that I come from a military family, but the extent to which this is true is rather comical (what, there are jews in the US MILITARY, holy shit, Ethel, grab the silver!). Most of these war stories involve heavy drinking while carrying firearms. I'm sure that's a big shock to you. I have a couple of gems, though, that I'm saving to shoehorn into one of my books, because they make me laugh every time.

Anyway, everyone got bombed and then we watched The Ten Commandments which I had never seen. This was deemed TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE so we did a MST job on it. [SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE FROM 1956!] When Edward G Robinson showed up with a Brooklyn accent, I had to lay on the floor from the overwhelming LOLs I experienced. At one point this exchange happened:

Me: I am starting to think Yul Brynner is doing a decent acting job. I think that's indicative of the level of suck that is the rest of this movie.
Gay Relative: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU MOCKING IT, IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES!
Me: You're being an unironic stereotype right now, right?
Gay Relative: [epic flounce of flounciness]
Me: LULZ

If it helps to set that stage, I was wearing pearls. I shit you not, that is a trufact.

By the time [SPOILERS FOR WHAT THE CHRISTIANS CALL THE BIBLE] the plagues showed up, we had moved on to staging our own version of the film next to the television as the action happened on screen. Too bad everyone was too drunk to run a video camera.

Oh, and I know some people think I lost the dog plot in the heavy-handed drinking narrative--the dog's leg is paralyzed, but otherwise he seems fine. Soon he's starting physical therapy that involves a swimming pool. Notes on that as the story unfolds.

Oh lordy! I can't get my comments to upload but even when I unmark the tickies it keeps importing everything else! Luckily it only imported my posts once or else I guess I'd be taking up quite a chunk of server space.

Nobody's reading this so I feel like I can just be myself without worrying people are stalking me to hate on me (that sounds paranoid, I know, because it is).

I'm watching Prez Obama reading Where the Wild Things Are over and over wondering if I'd rather he was my dad or the father of my children. Seriously, this guy.